Naughty or Nice?

Here’s an interesting capture from a recent USA Today article (December 15, 2009) about cyberbullying being regarded as the right to free speech.

“Some parents and free-speech advocates are challenging cyberbullying cases, saying kids have a First Amendment right to be mean in cyberspace, the Los Angeles Times (latimes.com) reported.”

Even the courts agreed that free-speech rights had been violated and stated, “The court cannot uphold school discipline of student speech because...teenagers are emotionally fragile and may fight over hurtful comments,” wrote Judge Stephen Wilson.

And a UCLA law professor told the newspaper, “If all teasing led to suicide, the human race would be extinct.”

Contrast this reaction and support for being disrespectful with some more adult and scientific perspective that counters the supposed non-effect of cyberbullying.

Highlighted in the Harvard Business Review (March 2008) on “Rudeness and its Noxious Effects”, research by Christine Porath of the University of Southern California’s Marshall School of Business and Amir Erez of the Warrington College of Business Administration at the University of Florida shows even the thought of receiving verbal abuse affects people’s ability to perform complex tasks that require creativity, flexibility and memory recall.

They referred to these negative and abusive words simply as “rudeness”. Whether the source was direct, professor giving harsh words to a university student participant; indirect, a professor not a part of the study but who gave cutting remarks when interrupted; or imagined, where students were told of the previous experiences and told to imagine if they had been the recipients of the abuse.

When students then performed problem solving tasks such as anagrams and suggesting uses for a brick no matter what type of rudeness they received – direct, indirect, or imagined – all three forms of exposure generated impaired performance.

Why is their performance affected? Findings suggest that after any degree of exposure to rudeness, people think hard about the incident—whether just ruminating or formulating a response—and those thought processes take cognitive resources away from other tasks. From their study Porath and Emirez show abuse or rudeness can affect innocent bystanders as well.

So to the law professor – not all teasing will lead to suicide, agreed. But all teasing, abuse and rudeness will lead to impaired thinking and performance.

Now imagine what praise, respect and appreciation can do!! Let’s all plan to be nice today and everyday.

Learn from your Grandchildren

As told by my married daughter of 4 children:

You know how you spend day after day, moment after moment teaching, pleading, and praying that your children will grow into wonderful, kind and serving individuals? Oftentimes the fighting, the teasing and the whining drown out those wonderful moments and often make that lofty mothering goal seem obsolete and impossible. And then, there are the moments. You've all had them. When your child, without prompting, shares with a sibling, when your own offspring is undeniably kind to another child, or perhaps you have watched them love and serve an elderly neighbor. These moments are worth noticing, they are worth recording. But often, they are unnoticed and unreported, and we, the mothers, don't know how wonderful our children really are.

We had one such moment. Miss J brought home a thank you note the other day, it reads:

"Katie told us that you came to her aid when she was being teased at school. What you did to help her took courage and strength and was the right thing to do. We THANK YOU very much for helping her! What you did was very sweet and really cool ~ so we wanted you to have something sweet and cool too! Your parents should be very PROUD of YOU! Please tell them we said THANK YOU too! -Katie's Mom and Dad"

Enclosed was a gift card to Cold Stone Creamery. I was near tears when I read this. Mostly because Miss J, who tells me incessant details about her days at school, had never mentioned the event for which she was being thanked. To her, it was no big deal. It was just who she is. After reading the note, I asked for the details and received them. She said that Katie is someone who has a much harder time doing even the simplest things, and that she needs a lot of help. She said a bunch of kids were calling her horrible names and Miss J saw how hurt she was and automatically went to her side and defended and comforted her. She said she wishes she sat next to her in class because she could really help her to learn and be loved.

We do not have to seek recognition. We will simply feel good inside for what we have done or a grateful person will express it in the best way they can.

Well done Miss J.! Love from your Granddad